“I don’t remember my gas pump number. I remember it until I am within six feet of a cash register.”

“What’s this?”

“It’s a reproduction of a $5 bill — and printed on it is ‘Good for one gallon of gas.’ Now that copper prices are up five times what they were a year ago, how come I can’t use a penny as a nickel?”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from one another. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: A man should never do anything that he wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

Marital memoirs

When we were first married, I always opened the car door for my wife. I needed her to get in first so she could slide over and open the driver’s side door. The outside latch was broken on our old bucket of bolts.

Exercise

I am enrolled in the Lutheran exercise program. Lutherans come early to church so they can sit in the back. I come early to most places I have to be, but I park far from the door. It forces me to walk.

Storm warnings

Right before I was to speak at a banquet in Mason City, Iowa, a thunderstorm hit and knocked some of the power out to the college housing the event. A mother seated at my table grabbed her cell phone and called home to talk to her sons.

Her youngest son’s question to his mother was, “What do we do if we can’t watch TV or use the computer?”

Lutefisk warnings

I spoke at Waldorf College in Forest City, Iowa. Someone in attendance told me that they have a lutefisk feed in July in Forest City.

I asked if they held it in July in the hopes that the smell of the lutefisk would drive the mosquitoes and flies away.

I probably won’t be invited to that meal.

Things disappear

“Things disappear,” my father would say.

“Things do not just disappear,” I’d respond.

“Well, the screwdriver is gone. Did you take it?” my father would ask and accuse.

I denied any involvement in the disappearance and the defense rested.

Years have passed. In many ways, I have become my father. Now I have found that I cannot always find things. I couldn’t find an entire socket set the other day. I searched, but I felt as though I were circling the drain.

Things do just disappear.

Shopping chronicles

I saw a bag of cat litter that advertised itself as “used by veterinarians.” I have cats. If I ever get veterinarians, they can share the same litter box.

I’m waving on the inside

A friend told me that I don’t wave at him when our cars meet on the road.

I told him that I’m too slow when it comes to waving and that I likely wave at him once he has gone past me. That’s only partially true.

I come from a long line of wavers. My father would situate his hands at ten and two on the steering wheel. His wave was flip of his right forefinger. He waved at everyone.

I don’t wave as much as I used to. I spend most of my driving time long from home. I don’t know the other drivers, so I don’t wave at them. This has caused me to get out of the habit of waving.

Oh, a few people wave at me while I travel unfamiliar roads. They likely mistake me for someone who drives a similar car as mine. I wave back. Often too late for them to see.

It’s a toolbox, it’s a lunch box

The farmer had an old tractor. When it came time for lunch, he went to the toolbox on the tractor and retrieved his bagged lunch. I could see there was nothing else in the toolbox other than a newspaper.

I asked him where he kept his tools.

He replied that they were in his machine shed. He added that it was a good place for them because he never could fix anything with them.

Nature notes

Common nighthawks are not hawks, although they do hawk, catching flying insects on the wing. Look and listen (a loud nasal call, peent) for them in the skies over cities. They feed on the insects attracted to streetlights and the nighthawks nest on flat, graveled rooftops.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I remarked that I tend to meander, even though the shortest distance between two points is a straight line

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “Unless you are standing and waiting in that line.”

Meeting adjourned

Everyone smiles in the same language. Be kind.