Did you hear the one about …

Published 12:00 am Thursday, July 3, 2003

There are some people who think I don't have a functioning brain and I'm not just talking about the ex-wife, the Mower County Commissioners and the ex-wife.

If I've said it once, I've said it twice: If you don't like this column each Thursday, cut it up in tiny pieces, sprinkle it over the garden and watch the flowers grow.

This week, I'm going to get semi-serious.

Email newsletter signup

Compliments of a friend, here is President Bush's new tax cut as explained by the Democrats.

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it for you.

Fifty-thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.

A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness. After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets.

That would be unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit."

Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. If they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help.

Now do you understand? If not, contact Rep. Richard Gephardt, Sen. Tom Daschle or Sen. Hillary Clinton for assistance.

That may have lifted the intelligence level of this column for a week, but it probably also started a few arguments between Democrats and Republicans.

In addition to being more serious than the usual fare in this column, it's also more boring.

So, here's a joke from the Godfather of Guffaws out there on 10th Drive SE:

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said,

"I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell … there aren't any Nuns there."

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com