Dear Mr. Feldman:

Let's get it over with: "Whadda ya know? Not much. You?"

Greetings from SPAMTOWN USA!

It's summertime and the living is easy. All you have to do is get out of bed. The rest comes naturally.

I listen to your Wisconsin Public Radio show every Saturday morning. It's funny and informative. The only trouble I have is when I'm running the vacuum or cleaning the toilet. I try to schedule those house-cleaning chores during your monologue, so I won't miss anything else.

You take your show all over the United States, but you've never been to Austin, Minn. I've written you before complaining about this.

We've got a great city here. It has something for everyone.

For instance, we've got the world's only SPAM Museum. The Hormel Foods Corporation makes SPAM at its Austin plant. Everybody knows about SPAM. It saved the world during World War II and people have been eating more of it ever since.

The other day, we almost had Weiner War I in Austin when the dreaded enemy, the Oscar Mayer Company, sent its giant weinermobile to Austin.

The darn fools -- we call them "weenies" -- parked their conspicuous weiner-shaped vehicle outside the SPAM Museum. Nothing subtle there.

The people inside the contraption said they had the day off and we're just checking out the competition. A likely story.

There were some tense moments in the parking lot and I heard the homeland security alert went to orange briefly. Thank God, nobody told President Bush or he would have sent troops into Austin to preserve Weiner Freedom.

Austin is that kind of place. You never know what's going to happen next.

That's because we have a lot of senior citizens here. They are everywhere. You can't walk down a street without running into them.

The secret is not to make eye contact or they'll stop an tell you about an operation they had or show you 8-by-10's of their grandchildren.

But there are other amusements, too. For instance, we have a city council. They are hard at work helping the city deal with a state budget crisis. Thus far, they have managed to save the petunias, but not people's jobs.

Some people believe the petunias on our downtown street lights are second only to the SPAM Museum for attracting people to Austin.

Personally, I like to think there are dozens of equally interesting reasons. We now have more sidewalk taco vendors than any other city in greater Minnesota.

Most of all, I think Austin is a city with a sense of humor.

Get this: one of the ideas being considered is to buy an entire city block and turn it into a jail.

No kidding, Michael. Right in the heart of the downtown retail district, there could be a giant Crowbar Hotel.

At a time when small cities like Austin are worried they're losing their retail drawing power to shopping centers and strip malls, there is serious talk here to turn a large chunk of downtown into an armed fortress.

Go figure.

I may sound a little cynical. After all, I am a reporter. But you gotta see this city to believe it.

Warts and all, Austin's got it.

Bring your popular public radio show to Austin this summer and broadcast from the historic Paramount Theatre or Austin Community Park's bandshell.

Stay awhile and they'll name our summer festival after you.

Walk the streets, but watch out for the sidewalks. Pink means danger ahead. Feel the vibrations, taste the flavor of a city with a lot to offer.

I like it here and I don't work for the Chamber of Commerce.

Semi-sincerely,

Lee Bonorden, resident for 18 years.

P.S. Did I tell you we spray for mosquitoes?

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com