Dear High School Graduates:

You made it and Uncle Lee is proud.

Finishing high school is an accomplishment. Finishing anything is an accomplishment.

You don't have to collect all sorts of scholarships to feel good at this time of your life.

Those who do can feel mighty good about their accomplishments.

Sometimes though there is a face in the crowd who tried their hardest against all odds and just getting a signed diploma is as important to them as the scholarships are for the valedictorians and salutatorians.

Savor the moment, whoever you are. It's a moment to remember.

(Switch to non-serious here.)

Nobody invites me to be the commencement speaker anywhere and I can't figure out why.

If I were to give a high school commencement address here's what I would say:

Greetings Young Men and Women. Congratulations on finishing your secondary education. Please check your diplomas at the end of commencement to make certain they are signed in ink. If yours is signed in pencil, you could have a problem.

Also, when this is over and it will be in a few hours or so, do not throw your mortar board caps at the principal or superintendent.

Save them for the geek who told the teacher that was not a tattoo on your arm, but the answers to the physics test.

When you get to your open house graduation party, be prepared to be hugged by people you don't know. It's a tradition. Before the party is over your cheeks will be chafed, but remember: a check is as good as cash.

You are about to embark on a new journey and here is some advice to get you to the next point in your life.

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

Temptations lurk everywhere in life and you will have to make some tough decisions.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Finally, I would like to say a few words about women. Will all the females please leave the gymnasium?

Boys, there will be days when all you have to do is open your mouth around a woman, your girlfriend, wife or significant other, and you will have taken your life into your hands.

Here are a few tips from the master on how to handle the opposite sex in some typical man-woman situations in life:

Coming home from work:

--

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

-- SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

-- SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

-- ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

Going out on a date:

-- DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

-- SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

-- SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

--

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

Coming home later than expected:

-- DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

--

SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.

-- SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

--

ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Thank you, fellas. You can let the females back into the gymnasium.

And in conclusion, graduates, just remember this: not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Have a great life, class of 2003!

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com