I have Lego blocks in my shorts.

Everywhere I walk, tinsel from the Christmas tree sticks to my clothes.

There's enough wrapping paper left over to paper the bedroom.

On the ninth day of Christmas, there are no nine ladies dancing in my house. Although, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea to break up the post-Christmas doldrums.

What a Christmas. Put five grandchildren in the same room and you wonder "Where is the peace-keeping force?" Things can get out of hand.

Now, they're gone and I have only my son visiting and we're doing some serious male bonding:

"What are you doing standing in front of the picture window, Dad?

"Watching for the mailman, Son. Where is that Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue?

"Sit down, Old Man. It doesn't come until February or March. Besides, you can't see anyway."

"Son, I just want to hold it for old-time sakes."

"Just think, Dad, a year ago at this time, you had just had a heart attack and then bypass surgery and you were waiting for another eye surgery. It was a pretty grim Christmas."

"You're right, Son. All I could do was sit around, suck on a candy cane and feel sorry for myself."

"That's what you did this year. I guess some things never change, Dad."

"Easy, Son. This is my column. I'll make up the jokes here."

"Where did you get that thong underwear, Old Man? You're not going to wear it are you?"

"I don't know where it came from. The last time I saw something like that was when I burst in on the fire chief putting on his turnout gear. No wonder there's so much tension at the fire department."

"Be serious, Dad. I need your advice. In only four months, I'm getting married. What advice do you have for me?"

"We've gone over this before, Son. Put the lid down, never read the Sunday paper in the bathroom, courtesy flushes go a long way to preventing bloodshed and always say 'Yes, Dear,' when she's mad."

"That's a lot of bathroom humor, isn't it?"

"If you want sophistication, ask your mother."

"How long were you two married, dad?"

"Five years. Those were 3 1/2 of the best years of my life, Son."

"And another thing, Son. If the marriage goes south, the belt sander is yours. A good one is irreplaceable."

"Thanks, Dad, but tell me: weren't you excited about getting married?"

"It still gives me goose-bumps to recall those days, Son. It was either that or re-up in the Navy and they said I was too old.

"Spending Christmas Day together is one of those male-bonding experiences, that we'll remember for as long as we live."

"Surely, you must have some words of wisdom that will change my life, dad?"

"You want wisdom, read Dr. Alcorn's column."

"Be serious, Popster. Remember, Christmas? The New Year? This is the time memories are made, Dad."

"All right, Son. This is the best I can do. Pay attention. I won't repeat myself."

"You got it, Dad. What do you have for me?"

"Here it is: Remember, a female brain costs less than a male brain."

"And, why is that?"

"The price of a female brain is marked down because it has actually been used."

Happy New Year, everyone!

Lee Bonorden can be reached at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com