Did you ever wonder how to get to Heaven?

Preachers tell you how to get there and even threaten severe consequences for getting lost en route to the destination.

There is, they say, only one way to guarantee safe passage to Heaven.

However, getting there is only half the problem. Getting around in Heaven is another. It's a big place.

My good friend, Don Graff, can tell you where to go, because as a used car salesmen, people have told Don where to go and frequently.

But Don is a deep thinker. He knows how to get around in Heaven.

According to Mr. Graff, three guys died and when they got to Heaven's pearly gates, St. Peter met them and told them, "I know that you guys are forgiven, because you are here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions and make sure you're telling the truth, because if you don't, you will forfeit your privileges of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below.

"Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get to drive in Heaven. You have to have a car in Heaven because it's so big," St. Peter said.

The first guy walks up and St. Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yes, about 10 times, but you said I was forgiven."

St Peter responded, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Ford Pinto for you to drive in Heaven."

The second guy steps forward and gets the same question from St. Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on my wife only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful ever after."

St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive in heaven."

The third guy steps forward and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask.

I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman. I treated my wife like a queen."

St. Peter replied, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive in Heaven."

A short time later, the two guys with the Ford Pinto and the Lincoln Town Car saw the guy with the Jaguar, sitting on the golden sidewalk through Heaven and crying. They walked up to him and asked, "What was wrong?"

The guy with the fancy car wiped away his tears and said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard."

Of course, Don, the used-car salesman, doesn't have to worry about going to Heaven.

Even St. Peter will need somebody to blame when Regis and Kelly get there and continue talking all the time.

Not only is Mr. Graff adept at giving advice for people worried about the hereafter, but he does marriage counseling on the side, too.

According to the part-time philosopher:

"Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you can get rid of him for a weekend."

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com