Experience produces sage advice
Published 12:00 am Thursday, May 2, 2002
There's nothing like a healthy father-son relationship.
It allows one generation to pass along sage advice to another.
Truth be told, nobody does it better than a dad teaching a son. It's cosmic.
I recall a recent conversation
in my family that went something like this:
"So, you're back to work again, Old Man. How are they treating you?"
"Great. Simply great. Everybody has been just incredible. Awesome baby."
"Now, what have you done wrong? It sounds like you're in trouble and sucking up."
"I told the boss, the doctors would only allow me to work part-time for awhile and he said 'So what else is new?'"
"Have you been to Adams yet?
That ought to get your adrenaline going."
"Yes indeed. Got to the annual Mower County ADA Dairy Princess banquet. It was a blast. Came home with gifts and an autographed poster from the dairy princess Cristy Sathre herself singed by her attendants. Won some cheese in a door prize drawing and got a new cap. Did a little dance to show them I still got the moves."
"You're kidding?"
"Is the Holstein Lady lactose tolerant?
"But seriously, Dad, I need your advice."
"Son, you've come to the right place. Doctor Knowitall is listening. Don't waste your time calling Doctor Laura. Tell me what I can do for you."
"I'm getting married and I wondered what advice you have for me."
"Considering my marital track record, that's like asking Michael Jackson to be the poster boy for 4-H."
"I'm serious. Tell me what you know about the male-female relationship. How can I make it work?"
"Awright, awright …… Listen carefully: Keep your last name. None of that hyphenated stuff. The garage is yours. You don't have to leave the room to scratch if it itches. The occasional well-rendered belch is expected, Son. What else can
I tell you?"
"That's interesting, Popster. I never knew you had so much information on
relationships."
"Thanks, Son."
"I was being sarcastic. It sounds like something a guy would say in a beer commercial."
"Easy, Lad. Beer commercials are the modern metaphor for Norman Vincent Peale's words to live by."
"Be serious. What does it take to be the perfect husband?"
"That's simple: Be a man. Don't change or compromise. Remember: You can express anger without being asked
if it is 'that time of the month'. You don't have to shave below the neck and you can go to a public toilet without taking along a support group."
"Amazing.
I've never heard stuff like this before. Are you sure you were married?"
"Of course, I was. She was your mother.' But, it didn't last."
"And why was that?"
"We disagreed on things. I thought two pair of shoes was enough and that one mood all the time was the norm. Then, she kept asking me 'What's wrong?' and I told her 'nothing,' but she wouldn't believe me. Besides, she didn't know anything about professional wrestling."
"You didn't go to any marriage counseling did you?"
"They should know better than to schedule those things when there's a game on."
"That was remarkable. I don't think I'll ever be the same, Dad, after hearing that."
"Just be thankful you're a man. You'll never have strap problems in public and ……"
"Never mind. I've had enough."