Dave Ruzek’s cartoon in the April 1 edition of the Austin Daily Herald was not in bad taste.

Thursday, April 19, 2001

Dave Ruzek’s cartoon in the April 1 edition of the Austin Daily Herald was not in bad taste.

Repeat: It was not in bad taste.

It was the artist’s expression of free speech protected by the U.S. Constitution.

You can put that in your pipe and smoke it.

(Do) You want bad taste? I’ll give you bad taste.

Let’s play another edition of that popular parlor game of long ago "Madlibs."

I’ll write the story. You, the reader, fill in the blanks. It’s all for the fun of it. I’ve left some helpful hints for word usage.

Bailiff: All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable ___(name)___ presiding.

Judge: This grand jury was convened to find out how three ___(noun)___ could escape from the Mower County Jail in broad daylight. Call your first ___(noun)___ , Mr. Prosecutor.

Prosecutor: I will call the sheriff of Mower County, Barry J. Simonson. Tell me, sheriff, where were you when the prisoners ___(verb)___?

Sheriff: I was ___(verb)___ with my ___(noun)___ in ___(place)___.

Prosecutor: Just how often do you ___(verb)___ with your ___(noun)___ , sheriff?

Sheriff: Only ___(number)___ or ___(number)___ times.

Prosecutor: That will be all. You may step down. My next witness is Garry Ellingson, the former Mower County chief deputy. Tell me, Mr. Ellingson, did anything like this ever happen when you were in charge of the jail?

Ellingson: There was the time, that ___(name)___ slipped away and then there was the time that ___(name)___ got loose, but we caught ’em later and they didn’t get far.

Prosecutor: So, escapes are not unusual at the Mower County Jail?

Ellingson: They happen about as often as Sheriff Goodnature ___(verb)___ the county commissioners.

Prosecutor: Thank You, Mr. Ellingson. You may step down. My next witness is Forrest Miller, chief of police at Mapleview and Lyle.

Miller: Have you seen my new ___(noun)___? They finally broke down and bought me a new ___(noun)___ so I can ___(verb)___.

Prosecutor: Thank you, Chief Miller, but will you tell us about the golf club found in the Mower County Jail.

Miller: It’s a long story, but ___(name)___ asked me for a ___(noun)___ so I ___(verb)___ him one.

Prosecutor: You may be excused, Chief Miller. I call Austin Police Chief Paul M. Philipp as my next witness. Tell me, Chief Philipp, what do you think of the ___(noun)___ in the Mower County Jail?

Philipp: Not until the Austin City Council ___(verb)___ my request for additional ___(noun)___.

Prosecutor: You can’t do that. You’re in contempt of ___(noun)___!

Judge: Answer the question, Chief Philipp, or I’ll ___(noun)___ you.

Philipp: I would say the ___(noun)___ in the jail is ___(adverb)___.

Prosecutor: Thank you, Chief Philipp for your ___(noun)___. You may step down. My last witness is Lee Bonorden, reporter for the Austin Daily Herald. Tell us, Mr. Bonorden, what do you know about the escape from the Mower County Jail.

Bonorden: Aagh, galumph, crunch, crunch.

Prosecutor: Mr. Bonorden, will you please put down the bowl of ___(noun)___ and speak without ___(noun)___ in your ___(mouth)___.

Bonorden: Sorry. It was given to me by a ___(noun)___ on his way to buy ___(noun)___ for the jail.

Prosecutor: You’re a well-known wiseguy, Mr. Bonorden. Why don’t you tell us what really happened?

Bonorden: My sources in the ___(noun)___ room at the courthouse say ___(name)___ just ___(verb)___ it and that ___(name)___ was left holding the ___(noun)___ and that ___(name)___ and ___(name)___ screwed up and they were able to call their own ___(noun)___.

Prosecutor: Preposterous! How do you expect anyone to believe you when your ___(noun)___ is ___(adverb)___?

Judge: That will be all for today. We’ll reconvene tomorrow for more ___(noun)___.

Bailiff: Your honor?

Judge: Yes, bailiff, what is it?"

Bailiff: We can’t leave the courtroom. The door is locked and the master ___(noun)___ is missing. We’re locked in!

Judge: Not again. Who has the master ___(noun)___?

Bailiff: The Austin Fire Department.

Judge: All right, call them and tell them to ___(verb)___ as quickly as possible.

Prosecutor: Good grief, your honor. That could be ___(noun)___ before they get here.

That’s all, readers. The rest is up to you!

Lee Bonorden’s column appears Thursdays. Call him at 434-2232 or e-mail him at lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com.