Nothing much has changed since I left work.

Thursday, March 08, 2001

Nothing much has changed since I left work.

They still don’t have reading lamps in the men’s room stalls, my request for a rocker recliner has been denied and "budget restraints" will not allow the hiring of any interns to assist me.

So, it goes at the Austin Daily Herald.

Sure, I got hugs, but now Julie, Linda, Dee and Becky all time their hugs, so worried are they I’ll have a heart attack and die with a grin on my face right there in their arms.

It’s hard to tell if anyone really missed me. Even the competition, Maureen and Sue picked on me in the Monitor-Review, suggesting I need help in writing a weekly column. Whaddya think I am? From Taopi?

Shawnda, the associate editor, and Kevira, the other reporter, continue to flaunt their youth. How can I tell? I can read their minds, that’s how. I know what they’re thinking: "Can you keep up with us old man?"

Aaron, the photographer, wants to "hang" with me. Can you imagine that? One night of beer and pizza at Steve’s Pizza and we’re bonding. I can’t get rid of the guy.

Of course, management is even worse. Chuck, the managing editor, doesn’t say much, when he walks by my desk, but I know he’s planning something. Probably 30 or 40 stories by the end of the week to make up for those Strides assignments I missed.

Would you believe it? The other day, Neal, the publisher, asked me if I could still perform.

That was the first time a man asked me such a question.

And, the Herald Gang, a secret organization of employees, had fun on my first day back to work. They prepared a laundry basket full of "stuff" I might need around the house.

It was a nice idea, but there were more rolls of toilet paper than anything else, which left me wondering what kind of message were they sending.

See if I partake of the next potluck they prepare.

Definitely, the honeymoon is over after just a week back to work. It’s tough enough being a reporter. When people expect you to work, that ruins everything.

And to think I thought I was doing the Austin Daily Herald a favor by getting off the couch, giving up watching the History Channel, Court TV and Discovery animal specials to save the Herald from self-destruction.

Good grief, when I saw Mower County Commissioner Dave Hillier, County Planner Daryl Franklin and Assistant County Attorney Glen Jacobsen writing stories in the Herald, I about had a heart attack.

How desperate can they be?

Those people are responsible for the muck I am supposed to rake.

Of course, by going to the Mayo Clinic once I became their patient for eternity. (Watch for an announcement soon of the "Bonorden Wing" after the bills are paid.)

I don’t know what the Herald bosses are going to do when I ask them for another day off to visit the Mayo Clinic at Rochester for a follow-up to my follow-up exam to see if my eye surgery and laser treatments did any good.

Not that I enjoy going to that place anymore.

During the months of December, January and February I was visiting the Mayo Clinic so many times, they tattooed a bar code on my fanny and told me to drop my pants the next time I was there and they would scan my buttocks for billing purposes.

On the home front, it isn’t any different. The personal care attendant, whom I relied upon so much, got upset over an innocent prank.

I can’t afford to buy a pardon from former President Bill Clinton to get me out of this one and it’s too embarrassing to talk about except to say she sure is pretty when she blushes.

Suffice to say, I got my telephone numbers mixed up at the benefit for you-know-who at the Adams American Legion Post a couple of Saturday nights ago, and put her’s on the men’s room wall instead.

Boys! You oughtta be ashamed of yourselves and I want you to know every call is being taped.

What I meant to write on the men’s room wall is "For A Good Time Call 1-800-888-3999 extension 7."

Try it and see what happens.