I already have written that ridiculous-sounding thesis: The femininity of a girl is more dependent upon the masculinity of her father than it is on the femininity of her mother.

Monday, November 27, 2000

I already have written that ridiculous-sounding thesis: The femininity of a girl is more dependent upon the masculinity of her father than it is on the femininity of her mother. I explained while it is a mother who teaches a girl how to be feminine, it is her father who can allow her to experience the joy. The question was put to me, as I expected: Is this true of mothers and sons? That is, does your research also show that the masculinity of a boy is more dependent upon the femininity of his mother than it is upon the masculinity of his father?

No. That is, unlike the first dynamic of human relationships, I am not aware of any empirical study that found this. They may be out there, but I have not found them. However, I am convinced this is true, however less so it might be. It is sufficiently established by objective observation and subjective experience to say it: The masculinity of a boy is more dependent upon the femininity of his mother than it is upon the masculinity of his father. Or, to be more cautious, it is at least as dependent.

The reason is also equivalent, I think. A father models masculinity and, so, "teaches" his son to be a man. But the boy doesn’t feel like a man until he has been a man to a woman, and his mother is the woman in his life. He starts with her. If he sustains a healthy relationship with his mother, he is capable of relating wholesomely to a girl and then a woman.

Watch closely how seriously a little boy will respond when his father says: "Son, when you go away with your mother, I want you to take care of her." Any normal boy will become fiercely protective of his mother even without any ability to do so. I recall (no, I remember) how this charged me when my father left home during World War II and he said, "You’re the man of the house now; take care of your mother and little brother."

Moreover, no fury exists like the fury of a son against even his father when the father becomes unfaithful to his mother. If the father will not be her man, the son will pick up the role he learned.

Respecting the developmental role of fathers with daughters and mothers with sons, then, I have a suggestion. It is something we practiced in our family. Let a girl’s first date be with her father, and let a boy’s first date be with his mother.

I suppose I should refer to the first "date," for of course it will be different. Father ought, then, to treat his daughter the way he expects boys to treat her. When she experiences this joy, she will expect and demand such treatment from boys. Then her husband. Let Mother teach her son how she expects him to treat girls – and his wife.

At her son’s wedding, he will be his mother’s gift to the bride. He will be to her the man Mother has made him.

Wallace Alcorn’s column appears Mondays