If you thought you never read such zaniness as Yours Truly’s trip to the Pacific Northwest with his son, you’re probably right.

Thursday, November 16, 2000

If you thought you never read such zaniness as Yours Truly’s trip to the Pacific Northwest with his son, you’re probably right.

But here’s an account of another father-and-son guy-thing anyway.

The surprise

"You can open your eyes now, Popster. We’re on our way!"

"Good grief, Son. What’s going on? We ain’t in Taopi anymore."

"You got the window seat on a Northwest Airlines air bus and we’re headed for Dallas, Texas."

"What’s in Dallas, Texas, Son?"

"We’re going to see the sights and attend a Dallas Cowboys football game. Remember? They’ve been my favorite team since I was a kid."

"Oh, man …. the Cowboys are below-500 and they’re playing the Cincinnati Bengals, who are even worse. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Three words, Old Man: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders."

"Fasten your seat belt, Boy, and give me the aisle seat. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Roger Staubach?"

The flight

"Are we there yet, Son?"

"That’s the 10th time you asked me that, Popster. We had a delay at Minneapolis before we could take off."

"It figures. Northwest Airlines is famous for flight delays. What was it? The pilot’s cupholder break and he needed a new one?"

"Not exactly. They said it was an engine part."

"It figures, Son. The state of Minnesota has bailed out Northwest Airlines and they probably had to wake the governor to sign a voucher to pay for the part."

"Go back to sleep."

The arrival

"Son, I ain’t getting off the plane unless you assure me you’re not lying and we’re actually going to see America’s sweethearts, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders in person?"

"We’ve got tickets three rows from the sidelines and we’re here to see my all-time favorite football team; not any cheerleaders. Got that?"

"Right, Son, and the Mower County Board of Commissioners are as poor as church mice, too."

"Forget, the newspaper stuff and concentrate on having fun, Dad."

"All right. Let’s go rent a pickup truck with a gun rack in the back window and hit the streets of Dallas. Look out Waylon and Willie. The Bonorden boys are back in town."

The night almost on the town

"Son, I’d like to suggest we start early if we plan to make this a weekend to remember. There’s Billy Bob’s Texas in Fort Worth, the Million Dollar Saloon and the Blue Cats Blues Club in Dallas and assorted gentlemen’s clubs … if you know what I mean. Do you suppose they offer AARP discounts at the Hooters club in Riving? "

"Dad. Read my lips: you’re with me. I make the decisions. You just sit back and think up some lies to write about when you get back to the Herald."

"Before we go, I’m gonna call George W. himself. His name is in the Dallas directory and …"

"Put the phone down, Dad, and step away from the desk slowly or I’ll throw your clothes in the shower."

The game

"’Who let the dogs out? Whooooo! Whoooo! Whooo!’ Look, there’s Jerry Jones, owner of the Cowboys. The Vikings are going to have you for Thanksgiving Day dinner, Jerry. Uffda, Pal."

"Sit down, Father. Now, there’s two more security guys watching us."

"Never mind. They’re just good ol boys. Hey, guys. My governor can beat up your governor and we won’t need a recount to tell who won!

"You left your medication back at the hotel, didn’t you, Dad?"

"I met Bruce and the boys from Denton. Whatta guy. His wife divorced him, took their four kids, got the house and the lake home plus a five-figure sum each month."

"That’s terrible, Dad."

"Are you kidding, Son? He kept their Dallas Cowboys season tickets. He’s the happiest guy in the world!"

"Watch the game, Dad. Look, there’s another flag. Not another backfield in motion penalty?"

"Boy, if that’s a cheerleader, backfield in motion is a reward; not a penalty."

"I thought you gave up those kind of jokes after getting into trouble with Hooters at Taopi this summer?"

"As the Duke used to say, ‘Not hardly, Podner."

The flight home

"Sit down, Dad. The pilot warned you about doing the wave on an airplane and nobody wants to hear another chorus of ‘Who let the dogs out?’"

"All right, Son. I’ll behave. You don’t mind if I just hum ‘All my ex’s live in Texas’ while I thumb through this calendar I bought, do ya’? By the way, who won the game?"