The proposed Mower County multi-purpose building is as close to success as it is failure.

Thursday, February 17, 2000

The proposed Mower County multi-purpose building is as close to success as it is failure.

The county says it has gone as far as it can go and the city of Austin says it won’t go any further.

Each wants the other to compromise, to give in and give up more money to build a building with two ice rinks.

There’s only one way to settle this local government impasse: a snowball fight between the Mower County Board of Commissioners and the Austin City Council.

Using one’s imagination, it could go something like this:

Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Multi-Purpose Bowl. First, we will have introduction of the teams. Starting for Mower County is Raaaay Tucker."

Analyst: "Tucker is fast on his feet and with his tongue. Reporters love the most quotable county commissioner of them all."

Announcer: "Also starting for Mower County, Daaaave Hillier.

Analyst: "This commissioner is a warrior. He’s carried the multi-purpose ball for the county since the start."

Announcer: "Starting for Mower County is Lennnnn Miller."

Analyst: "Miller is full of surprises. He’ll be all over the field."

Announcer: "Rounding out the Mower County lineup is Gaaaaary Nemitz."

Analyst: "Nemitz is a pro. He’s been around. He’s veteran who knows all the tricks of the trade."

Announcer: "Finally, starting for Mower County, Richard Cummings."

Analyst: "Cummings is another veteran. In fact, he’s got more experience than any of his county teammates. What he’s lost in speed, he’s made up with craftiness."

Announcer: "The Mower County team is coached by Craig Oscarson. And, now, let’s welcome the Austin City Council team. Starting for the city, Dick Laaaang."

Analyst: "Lang is tough. Expect trash-talking from him."

Announcer: "Also starting for the city, Dick Chaffeeeeee.’

Analyst: "Chaffee replaced the legendary Tom Purcell when he retired. Watch him probe the county’s weaknesses."

Announcer: "Also starting for the city, Neil Fedson."

Analyst: " An unknown. New on the team. He’s out to prove himself."

Announcer: "And that’s the starters for the city of Austin."

Analyst: "Aren’t there any more representatives for the city?"

Announcer: "Teammates Roger Boughton and Jeanne Poppe were delayed by traffic at Riverland Community College. Mickey Jorgenson and Gloria Nordin are simply missing, according to coach Pat McGarvey. Bonnie Rietz attempted to join the team, but she was reminded, she’s the mayor; not a council member."

Analyst: "The rules of this Multi-Purpose Bowl are simple: whoever scores the most hits with snowballs wins and the losing team must pay the difference to get a multi-purpose building built and let people get on with their lives."

Umpire: "Captains, please come to the center of the field for the coin-toss to determine who throws the first snowballs. Captain Tucker will call. It’s heads and Captain Chaffee has decided the city will throw first. Good luck to both teams. All of Mower County is counting on you; even the part that exists outside the Austin city limits."

Analyst: "We’ve got great conditions for this match-up of two equally talented teams today. Unfortunately, attendance is down. Except for a few architects and contractors, there really aren’t a lot of people here. I wonder: does that mean there’s been so much hype and this war of words has gone on so long that people have lost interest?"

Announcer: "All right, the teams are in position. Captain Chaffee and his city teammates are sculpting their first snowballs. Captain Tucker has his county teammates lined up in the well-known Mower County defensive position: they’re in a circle around Coach Oscarson, who will have to come off the field when the game begins. Somebody please remind him: he is not a county commissioner."

Analyst: "Remember, both the city and the county have millions of dollars in reserves. The city maintains their’s are designated and the county says their’s are, well, earning interest."

Announcer: "It’s a beautiful day here at the Multi-Purpose Bowl. The field conditions are perfect. There are two highways accessing the area. Utilities are available if we need them. Motorists along the highway can see this event. That surely is an image-builder for the city of Austin. Boy, this Austin Development Park is a perfect place. Didn’t they used to call it the Cook farm site?"

You, the reader, make up the ending.

Lee Bonorden’s column appears Thursdays