The alarm goes off.

Tuesday, September 07, 1999

The alarm goes off. It’s 6:15 a.m. You press snooze. The alarm goes off. It’s 6:25 a.m. You press snooze. Third time’s not a charm as your wife shoves you out of bed.

The sun shines golden red through the mist above the corn and beans that grow outside the window.

An early fall morning with such splendor must be enjoyed before the mundane tasks that await you at work. Perhaps you will take the dog for a walk. First things first, you make some coffee.

A glance in the bathroom mirror and you realize that you decided not to hassle with shaving during the three-day Labor Day weekend. With the extended weekend so is your stubble. Whether it is legs for women or face for men, there is shaving to be done.

With your eyes squinting in the blinding bathroom lights you wash your face and apply a layer of synthetic shaving cream. You forgot – again – to buy new razors and therefore scrape the crusty razor of its residue.

You try to gently drag the dull twin edge with the aloe strip, tilting, and most importantly the comfort grip razor all over your face and neck.

The comfort grip sure makes for a safe and pleasant shave. Too often have I lost control of my razor and nearly sliced off my nose. Ouch! One nick. Ouch! Two nicks. Blood runs down your face. More cuts begin to bleed that were not noticed.

After the massacre, it is time for the rinse.

You splash water upon your face, feel the chemicals of the shaving "cream" attack each cut. You take count of total casualties and make a mental reminder that you must buy new razors.

A few minor scars are mended with toilet paper bandage that you best remember to remove before walking into work. Soon your face begins to shrivel and skin tightens like a mask.

7:40 a.m. and you need to punch in by 8 a.m. The inspirational morning is now an awful time of the day to be in a hurry. Walking the dog in the fresh foggy morning dew is not no longer an option.

Moving into fall – maybe it is time to put down the razor and try a hassle free, low maintenance beard. How is it we are shaving our faces or legs anyway? When did this nonsense start?

Not only do we lose valuable time during the most enchanting part of the day but we also lose a great deal of money invested in razors, shaving cream and lotions.

Another problem is that shaving seems to be an all or none fashion. You either shave or you have a beard. The transition, often called a "five o’clock shadow," makes you a bum in the eyes if society.

Once upon a time a beard was worn with nobility and wisdom. Now we walk with our faces stripped in the cold winds like a duck with no down.

Nathan Howard’s column appears every other Tuesday