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A moron, a snake and sports

By Al Batt | Austin Daily Herald

Published Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting

“Do you know the difference between you and a moron?”

“No.”

“Well, a moron would.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors—both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: At a certain age, people stop saying, “I’m bored.”

The library

Kipling wrote about a “wonder house.” That would be a good description of a library. A library is a storehouse of human knowledge. Life moves so fast that books are welcomed because they hold still long enough that we can get a good look at them. Walking into a library brings back a warm rush of childhood memories for me. My mother would drop me off at an old Carnegie Library. It was a case of benign neglect. The library was a place where my daydreams were sanctioned. It was a sanctum sanctorum for questioners with vivid imaginations.

As the odometer turns

Ila Anderson told me that her mother had been pulled over for going the wrong way on a one-way street. The policeman told her that she was going the wrong way. Ila’s mother replied, “How do you know? You don’t know where I’m going.”

Show and tell

George McCament told me that he once took a blue racer snake to school for show and tell. The blue racer is one of the fastest snakes in North America. It can travel four miles per hour—quite a feat for a creature without legs. His teacher bragged up young George as someone who knew how to handle snakes. The words had no sooner left the teacher’s mouth than the snake slipped from George’s grasp and bit him on the hand. The snake is not venomous, but it has teeth, so it can bite. Its bite is harmless, but George had forgotten that. George ran about the room, screaming as he attempted to rid himself of the snake. It was a memorable show and tell.

Adventures in Alaska

I met him along the Chilkat River outside of Haines, Alaska. He was from Floris, Iowa. He told me that he loved Alaska because he was a fat man who didn’t like to sweat. He said a car salesman wanted him to test drive a Smart Car. He declined the offer by telling the man, “That’s not a good idea. I’m wider than the car.”

Only in a casino

Would you encounter a woman wearing a sweatshirt reading, “The World’s Greatest Grandma,” cussing like a sailor at a tightfisted slot machine.

Any volunteers

The man from Elkton, South Dakota told me that he was the 10th of 10 children. Times were tough. They even did without the things they didn’t want. One day, he asked his mother why she had so many children.

She replied, “Where would you have wanted me to stop?”

The cell phone chronicles

We had been asked to disable our cell phones. A woman on stage was attempting to pass valuable information our way. A phone rang loudly in our midst. A woman quickly became one of those annoying loud talkers.

“Just between you and me…” she said in the most strident of voices.

I don’t think so.

Memories of mother

We would sit in our old Pontiac, waiting for my father to finish his business in the bank. My mother and I would watch two birds on a utility wire and bet on which one would fly away first. We’d bet millions of dollars as they were bets in words only.

Those thrilling days of yesteryear

When I was a lad suffering from an earache, a trusted adult would blow cigarette smoke into my ear. My brain has been somewhat hazy since.

Nature’s world

I am thankful for that which nature has given me. In the past year, I have been able to see the following birds while I was engaged in work not far from my home: Surf scoter, whooping crane, brown pelican, tufted titmouse, Henslow’s sparrow, blue grosbeak, Carolina wren, Sabine’s gull, white-winged scoter, scissor-tailed flycatcher, northern mockingbird, and northern hawk owl.

I find an equal joy in seeing the chickadees, cardinals, jays, finches, doves, and the others that visit my yard. I am thankful for all of you who enjoy birds and tread lightly upon the earth.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I told the Holstein that I thought there is too much emphasis on sports. “It’s only a game,” I said.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.”

Meeting adjourned

A Chinese proverb says, “A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses.” Be kind. I wish you enough this Thanksgiving.

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