By Kathleen Dufault

Mayer Funeral Home

Grief is normal for all of us. Grief is a necessary part of emotional healing. It hits all of us when we lose a loved one, but it hits each of us differently. No two people grieve alike. Two brothers or sisters from the same family may grieve differently. Each sibling needs to give the other room to work through personal pain the way each needs to — not the way you expect them to act. We cannot be critical of how someone hurts. The intensity of pain is different for everyone, as are the variety of coping skills.

Grief from a loss need not be a death. There are job losses; a move to a different city, which means loss of relationships and familiarity; an empty nest; loss of promotion at work; loss of a dream; loss of a child in miscarriage; loss of good health; loss of a pet; and loss of a spouse in divorce. It is normal to feel very sad when any of these losses occur. The process of working through the loss is the process of grief. No one can do it for you. The process can be a lengthy one with the time varying from individual to individual.

The first stage is shock or numbness. This is one reason the hurting person cannot assimilate advice because the mind is dulled. The emotions are overloaded. As the numbness wears off, the second stage begins. The person remarks, “This can’t really be happening.” This is denial. Then most people try to make a ‘deal’ with God. When the bargaining doesn’t seem to work, anger becomes predominant. This is the next stage. Frequently, widows or widowers will be angry with the one who died. Again, this is normal. Or some get angry with the doctor for not saving their loved one. Many get angry with God, since He should have prevented the huge hurt in the first place. Although a lot of the grief is irrational, it needs to be verbalized and not trivialized by those who hear it. The next stage of grief is usually guilt. “If only” or “I should’ve” hits the wounded heart. This is common for someone losing a loved one in death and not being able to be with the person when he/she died. The grieving person feels he “should have” done something different. Finally, the grieving person works through to resolution or acceptance. He or she is able to acknowledge the loss did occur. And no matter how painful the loss was, he or she will adapt and move on with their life.

Just looking over the grieving process, we can see it is necessary, complicated, and hard work. But recognizing the stages and giving ourselves, or others, permission to grieve are parts of healing. At Mayer Funeral Home we offer “After Care” to help you get through your healing process. Contact us and ask about this free service. We’re here to help.