Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

How was your weekend?

Well, I became two days older and got a new neighbor. His name is Neuman N. Newman.

What does the N. stand for?

Nothing.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: If you have an Olds, it’s old. Why wasn’t one of the Doobie Brothers named Shoobie? Who would order a knuckle sandwich?

The cafe chronicles

His stomach had grown big enough that he had to name it. He admitted that he sometimes had trouble getting served in a cafe because he looked like he’d already eaten. He liked cheeseburgers, but claimed the cheeseburgers in this particular eatery were both terrible and too small. Besides, he was in a perpetual pursuit of the perfect pancake.

I leaned in and listened as he talked of his short, but illustrious baseball career. He hit a home run in his last at bat. He never played again. There was no reason to. His first marriage might have ended in a divorce, but his ex-wife said that he’d always remain her first husband. His second wife passed away a few years ago. He said that it wasn’t easy living alone. He had no one to blame for not remembering to jiggle the handle of the toilet.

They were out of the special. I ate a pancake. The waitress brought the check. There was no delivery charge.

I turned where the big, blue silo used to be

He greeted me at the front door by saying that if he seemed human, it was all an act. He said he used to get letters from Ed McMahon. He appreciated Ed because Ed cared enough to try to sell everyone overpriced insurance. He didn’t need insurance unless it was to protect him in the case of pass interference.

His life was haunted by bad pass interference calls. His favorite teams were the Vikings and whoever was playing the Packers. This provided maximum suffering. He preferred radio over TV. He listened to the Viking games on two radios. He listened to one radio when the Vikings had the ball and to another radio when the other team possessed the football. He had an offensive radio and a defensive radio.

He was the loneliest lighthouse keeper in the prairie.

Patience

Paul Lynne of Hartland told me that he had attended the graduation ceremonies of the kindergarten class that included his grandson. The children received a certificate and were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. There were future doctors, nurses, lawyers and teachers. When Paul’s grandchild was given his opportunity to speak, he said, “I want to be a daddy.”

When I graduated from kindergarten, I didn’t get a certificate. I got the chicken pox.

Character development

A friend and I were talking about all of the characters that once lived in our fair city. It was fun talking about them. It brought back pleasant memories. Most of them had shuffled off this mortal coil. The number of characters in town is down to six, that’s quite a drop from a high of 19 in 1962. My friend asked where all the replacement characters would come from. I assumed he was one. He was sure that I was one. There will be no shortage.

Shopping for shoes

She told me that her name was Rhonda. I immediately thought of the Beach Boys song, “Help me, Rhonda.”

“I’ll bet people sometimes sing a bit of that song when they hear your name,” I said.

She replied, “More often than you’d ever believe.”

She worked in a store that sold shoes. Many kinds of shoes.

I’d quickly grown weary of looking at shoes. I’d finally found a style of footwear that I liked. I asked Rhonda if the store had it in my size. She complimented my choice, but doubted that they had any in a size big enough for me. I had chosen a woman’s shoe. I fled the store. I might be fleeing still.

Nature notes

Apples and crabapples are in the rose family, Rosaceae, in the genus Malus. Crabapples are differentiated from apples based on fruit size. If the fruit is two inches in diameter or less, it’s termed a crabapple. If the fruit is larger than two inches, it’s classified as an apple.

Meeting adjourned

Kind people are the best kind of people.