Archived Story

Al Batt: Astrology makes economics seem exact

Published 8:39am Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

My brother thinks he’s a snowblower.

Did you take him to a doctor?

No, I have to wait until the neighbor returns him.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I’m in a hurry, I shouldn’t be driving.

I’ve learned

Astrology was invented to make economics seem like an exact science.

When a spouse says “we,” he or she means “you.”

A head is not a good place to store numbers.

The news from Hartland

Bob and Betty Bigger proudly announce the birth of a son. The littlest Bigger’s name wasn’t available at press time.

Vegetable farm begins near the dip in the road.

Zoo receives bad gnus.

Cafe chronicles

“The food here is great,” he said. “but this place is filled with geniuses. Everyone of whom thinks he could farm better than I can.”

“I need coffee and a line of credit.”

There were no holes in the conversation.

“Most people my age are dead. Either Casey Stengel or my uncle Earl said that.”

“Today’s special is buy two dinners and pay for them both,” the waitress interrupted.

The sign read, “No senior discounts. You’ve had long enough to raise the money.”

Still, a discount was offered.

“Is the senior discount at 55, 60, or 65?” asked a customer, a woman wearing a sweatshirt reading, “Sweat dries. Blood clots. Bones heal. Cowgirl up.”

The waitress replied, “If you feel like a senior, you get the discount.”

Two men ordered the exact same breakfast. The friendly waitress hoped aloud that she wouldn’t confuse the two.

A young person entered. He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, obviously dressed for the weather he wished we were having.

The company of a car

When you buy a car, you hope for the best. The first dent is the loudest sound in the world. One of the things you notice when you purchase a different vehicle, is that there are many cars just like yours. I just put 200,000 miles on my car, which has been a wonderful traveling companion. I wanted to stop and celebrate the mileage achievement, but I was driving down an interstate highway and it didn’t seem the place for jollification. I did bark out “Who let the miles out,” and gave the car a kiss on her steering wheel. I appreciate her good company.

If I don’t see you in the future, I’ll see you in the pasture

I love the funny pages in newspapers. I enjoyed Rick O’Shay, a sometimes light-hearted, sometimes serious western set in the town of Conniption. The creator, Stan Lynde, introduced a number of colorfully-named supporting characters for the hopeful protagonist, Rick O’Shay. There was Mort Gage the banker and Hipshot Percussion, a gunslinger. Lynde passed away not long ago in Montana. I never got around to thanking him for his strip.

Customer comments

Sue Levy of Webster, Texas, wrote, “My husband favored the biblical method of snow removal. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Eventually.”

Leon Schoenrock of New Richland wrote, “In regards to your statistic on hand washing, my friend Dave “Sharkey” Dunnette says you can tell what kind of job you have by your hand-washing habits. If you have a white-collar job, you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. If you have a blue-collar job, you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.”

 


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