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Santa Claus is coming, weather permitting

Published 10:58am Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

“I got Mom a box of those chocolate-covered cherries.”

“That’s what I got her, too.”

“Oh, oh.”

“No worries. I ate all of those I bought for her.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: always buy more wrapping paper, Christmas cards and Scotch tape than you think you’ll need.

I’ve learned

Anyone who believes a man is equal to a woman has never watched a man wrap a Christmas present.

A pitchfork makes a great Christmas gift because there is no tine like the present.

My wife likes chocolate-covered chocolate.

Tis the season

It was windy, but only on one side.

It was just over 75 degrees. Somewhere, but not where I was. There were sounds of windshields being scraped and snow shoveled.

Santa Claus was coming to town, weather permitting.

Despite the weather conditions, if I’d been a bell, I would have been ringing. I’m not a bell, so I was ringing bells for the Salvation Army in a busy store having a sale on jaegerschnitzelmeisterstrudel.

A shopper came into the store in which I rang bells. She was carrying her little boy. The tot, wearing a snowsuit, was sound asleep. She grabbed a shopping cart and placed the lad into it. He remained asleep. A half-hour later, when she wheeled her cart back into the herd of carts, the boy was still asleep. He was surrounded by bags of groceries, but remained slumbering. He had learned the secret to painless shopping.

Another day, it was 12° below zero, yet the wind still managed to blow fiercely. The woman said that the parking lot was far from her workplace. After her long walk in the wind and cold, she had never been happier to get to work.

Give grace to those in long lines and may the temperature fall more slowly than your credit card balance.

Yes, it tis

At a typical Christmas dinner, Mom yells, “Get out of my kitchen!”

The older kids yell at the younger ones, “Stop running! You’ll break something!”

Dad yells, “Get out of the way! I can’t see the TV!”

The little ones yell, “It’s my toy! Give it back!”

All this yelling is why this is known as the Holler Day Season.

May the force of Christmas be with you

It was the fight between good and evil. Darth Vader battled Luke Skywalker. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth pulled Luke to him and whispered, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”

Luke said, “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do,” Darth replied.

This bothered Luke, who screamed, “How could you know?”

Darth took one of those creepy breaths before responding, “I felt your presents.”

Customer comments

Edgar Mitchell, an astronaut and the sixth man to walk on the moon, told me that when he saw Earth from space, he thought it silly to divide it among nations.

Did you know?

According to a Wall Street Journal study, the average amount of time the football is in play during an NFL game is about 11 minutes.

Men’s noses are about 10 percent larger than women’s on average according to a University of Iowa study.

Allstate America’s Best Drivers Report named Fort Collins, Colo. as “America’s Safest Driving City.” Washington, D.C. ranked at the bottom of the list.

Only four MLB players played in every game last season — Prince Fielder of Detroit, Billy Butler of Kansas City, Joey Votto of Cincinnati and Hunter Pence of San Francisco.

There are 147 nations that have a leader who is titled “President.”

Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter pays $265,000 in property taxes on his Tampa, Fla., mansion that includes two three-car garages, yacht docks and lifts, seven bedrooms and nine bathrooms.

According to an article in Scientific American, the human brain has a memory storage capacity of 2.5 petabytes. If the brain were a digital video recorder, that would hold three million hours of TV shows.

Nature notes

“Can birds predict the weather?” Apparently. Most birds can sense small changes in barometric pressure. If the activity at bird feeders becomes more intense than normal, a storm may be approaching. During storms, a feeder becomes a reliable food source. Birds aren’t dependent upon feeders, but the foods offered there might make it easier for birds to weather a storm. Besides, feeding them allows us to see lovely creatures.

Meeting adjourned

“Life is mostly froth and bubble; two things stand like stone; kindness in another’s trouble, courage in your own.”-–Adam Lindsay Gordon

Merry Christmas.

 


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