If it hurts, then you hurt yourselfPublished 10:30am Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:
“My brother thinks highly of you.”
“I don’t even know him.”
“That’s why he thinks highly of you.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: An optimist invented the airplane. A pessimist invented the parachute.
The only way to be sure of winning a lottery is to buy all the tickets.
I want my bed warm and my pillow cool.
To never argue with a cook.
The news from Hartland
The Eat Around It Cafe reminds customers club sandwiches are for members only.
Trampoline Land stops serving prune smoothies.
Neighbors chip in to pay college tuition for teen with nine electric guitars.
A fall in the spring
A woman from Mankato told me that she had slipped on the ice and fallen while letting her dog into the house. She ended up at the emergency room, where it was determined she had a broken wrist.
When she first went to the hospital, she told the nurse, “I just want to know if I hurt myself.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the nurse.
“Then you hurt yourself,” said the nurse.
Echoes from the aisles
I was in a store, doing some light shopping. It was so light I hoped the store had a “one item or less” checkout lane. After finding the thing I needed, I walked toward the checkout area. On my journey there, I encountered a young mother in the company of four small children who were heavily into wanting and needing. As I walked behind them for a bit before I could find a passing lane, I couldn’t help but hear them asking for this and that. During that short period, the mother recited the “shopping with children” haiku. It went like this.
“No no no no no.
No no no no no no no.
No no no no no.”
Tales of a traveling man
I was speaking in far-flung places. I went through airport security. I hoped that I’d remembered not to forget to remember to remove everything from my pockets before going through the metal detector — a full body scan bully. The security folks were apparently searching for stuffing. I flew in a cramped plane. I sat in coach, but my feet were in first class. I mumbled, “Turn here,” for most of the flight. It had been a tiring day on the road. I checked into a hotel and, because the dining room was closing soon, left my luggage at the front desk and went to eat. After a good meal, I reclaimed my luggage and realized that I’d forgotten my room number. I went back to the desk and asked the clerk on duty, “My name is Al Batt, could you please tell me what room I am in?”
“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”
A sign on the door to the room next to mine read, “Disturb at your own risk.” A man snored in the room on the other side of me — or there might have been a chainsaw-carving contest in progress. I wasn’t surprised by any of it. I don’t expect apples from an oak tree. Despite all these things, I enjoyed my trip immensely. I always do.
Did you know?
The Tobacco Growers’ Mutual Insurance Company of North Canaan, Conn., wrote the first hail insurance policy in 1887.
Rapper Kanye West doesn’t read books, but wrote one he wants you to buy. West is the co-author of “Thank You And You’re Welcome.” His book contains 52 pages — some blank. One two-page section reads, “Life is 5 percent what happens and 95 percent how you react!” Another page reads, “I hate the word hate!” Another says, “Get used to being used.” He calls these “Kanye-isms.” West adds, “I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff.”
Crash Davis, in the movie “Bull Durham” said, “Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls–it’s more democratic.”
“Why do geese honk in flight?” In flocks, it may sound as if they all want to pass, but they call to maintain contact—perhaps with family members. The younger members are likely honking, “Are we there yet?” The honking helps coordinate the movement of the flock. When in pairs, one tells the other, “Follow me,” “I’m over here,” “Let’s go,” or “Stop and ask for directions.”
Do not hold grudges. Let go of what steals your joy. Be kind.