Injury from ‘safety first’ sign is suit of ironyPublished 10:30am Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:
“So you’re remodeling the house, eh?”
“Do you think I could put the wallpaper on myself?”
“I’m sure you could, but it would look better on the walls.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I shouldn’t worry. I can’t do everything wrong at the same time.
If criticism had any power, skunks would be extinct.
When the game ends, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
Airplanes should load window seat passengers first instead of loading by rows.
The news from Hartland
Lindsay Lohan, the Kardashians and Donald Trump were not seen in Hartland during the past week.
Employee injured while putting up “Safety first” sign sues for damages due to irony.
A pile of discarded toilets proves to be an ancient goldfish burial ground.
New Year’s resolutions
How are you doing on those promises you made to yourself? Are you one of those who couldn’t resolve your way out of a wet paper bag? I believe in setting goals, but I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.
The last one I made was to juggle three chainsaws. I came close. I juggled three instruction manuals for chainsaws.
Craig Ferguson said, “Resolutions just set you up for failure. My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted dos weekos.”
Jimmy Kimmel joked, “My New Year’s resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I’m already halfway there.”
Oscar Wilde wrote, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
My neighbor Weasel told me he’d resolved to inhale, exhale, and blink. Steve Goodier wrote he has a lot in common with a wooden pencil. He has an eraser to correct mistakes and does better if he were sharpened occasionally.
I told Weasel that he should resolve to be more like a pencil. He erased my suggestion.
The cafe chronicles
The table of infinite knowledge was filled with lip flappers of some renown. It was a place to enjoy the breeze. It’s hard to believe that in school, these guys chanted that silent mantra, “Please don’t call on me.” They don’t need to be called upon to offer their perspectives today. They don’t raise their hands to say, “How many angels can dance on your head?” They can forget, but still remember. Some keep ancient phone books to refresh their memories. One kibitzer wondered when cars stopped being do-it-yourself projects and eliminated hand-cranked windows. None could remember their junior high school locker combinations. They have little memory of the periodic chart of the elements. What they remember are things said in hospital rooms.
My wife and I attended the Cancer Auction held in Geneva. Whitey Hagen and the others make donating a jollification. On the way there, we drove by a 430,000-bushel grain bin owned by a couple of fine fellows who were brothers even before they were farmers. I drive by it often. I call it Big Bin. It’s no Big Ben, but thanks to it and Geneva, I can imagine I’m driving from London to Switzerland.
From over there
I stood next to a 17,400-pound ball of twine. The 12-foot diameter ball was in Darwin, Minn., and it’s claimed to be the world’s largest twine ball rolled by one man. Francis A. Johnson rolled twine for four hours a day for 29 years. We had a rope-making machine on the farm that allowed me to turn baling twine into rope. I didn’t do that for 4 hours a day for 29 years. If I had, I might have an exceedingly long rope for people to come to see after they’d been to Darwin. Weird Al Yankovic might have sung about it.
Did you know?
A University of California-Santa Barbara study found that our minds wander at least 30% of the time while we do routine tasks and as high as 70% when we drive an uncrowded highway. Research showed that people whose minds wander often are more creative and are better problem solvers.
“Do crows mate for life?” Unless a mate dies or is incapacitated, crows seem to stay with the same mate year after year. There are exceptions. If a young pair bred unsuccessfully, they might break the pair bond. Only the female incubates the eggs.
The true test of manners is to meet bad ones with good ones. Be kind.