Archived Story

Sleeping up a million bucks

Published 11:19am Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“What would you do if you woke up one morning and you had become a millionaire?”

“I’d go back to sleep.”

“Why would you go back to sleep?”

“To see if I could sleep up another million dollars.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: drivers who enjoy seeing a combine working in a farm field aren’t so happy to see one ahead of them on the road.

I’ve learned

1. A bird in the hand poops.

2. Velcro is a rip off.

3. The “right tool for the job” is the yeti of the do-it-yourselfer’s toolbox — talked about, but never found.

The news from Hartland

Prophecy Gas station is self-fulfilling.

St. Menard’s Hardware offers dead batteries free of charge.

The police department downsizes. Traffic law violators must now write their own tickets.

Sneeze, please

I’d been at a meeting. We had watched a film in a room darkened to enhance the viewing. At the meeting’s conclusion, I stepped outside into the bright sunlight. There is something called the photic sneeze reflex that refers to sneezing provoked by the sudden exposure to brilliant sunlight. It’s also called the Autosomal dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst syndrome or ACHOO. I call it sun sneezing. This scenario usually causes me to sneeze three times. That’s OK. It’s nice when people say “Bless you” when I do a simple thing like sneezing. Gesundheit is a polite way of saying, “Missed me.” The sneeze is the only instrument I play. My parents thought I’d be a musician as I played the radio when I was only four years old. I enjoy incorporating other words into my sneezes. Anyway, there I was, about to sneeze and then I didn’t. I wanted to sneeze, but I couldn’t. It was a case of sneeze freeze.

Looking at Lambeau

I toured Lambeau Field. There were eight of us — two normal people, four Packer fans and two guides. The home of the 13-time NFL champions also offers a venue for wedding, birthday and prom parties. Built in 1957, Lambeau Field has 166 private suites available for $84,500 to $160,000 a year. It seats 73,142 fans uncomfortably and has sold out every game since 1960. Approximately 100,000 people are on the waiting list for season tickets, which nearly matches the population of Green Bay (104,000). As we came out of the tunnel to the cheers of invisible fans and the music of a recorded band, we witnessed a heartwarming event. A Green Bay Packer player who’d been wandering around downtown had been shot with a tranquilizer dart and was relocated back into his natural habitat of Lambeau Field. There wasn’t a dry eye at Lambeau.

While on the subject of football, the neighbor’s son was home visiting family. He wrestles gators in Florida for a living. Not the chunks of blown tires found on the road, but real alligators. He’s destined for great things. I asked if he worried about being eaten by an alligator. “No,” he said, “I have a ‘Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl Champions’ tattoo. Even a gator wouldn’t be able to swallow that.”


I attended a friend’s birthday party. On the tables were tiny cards. One side of every card read, “CHAT PACK. For Questions to Spark Conversations.” On the back of each card was a question such as, “Which punctuation mark would best describe your personality?” I thought that was an interesting question. I had an immediate answer. It would be interrobang or interabang that is indicated by ?! or !?. It combines the functions of the question mark and the exclamation point. I have so many things that I don’t know and I’m so excited to learn new things.

Nature notes

“What is a hoot owl?” It is a name given to the barred owl and the great horned owl. The barred owl, famous for its “Who cooks for you” call has a more strident voice than the great horned owl. Another possibility, but less likely, would be the great gray owl.

“What is it called when a bird rubs its bill on a branch after it has eaten?” The process in which a bird removes food from its bill is called “feaking.” Rubbing the bill along a hard surface also helps keep the beak trimmed. Bird bills are made of keratin, as are their feathers and our fingernails.

“What is the difference between a ‘bill’ and a ‘beak’?” Except for the spelling, nothing. The terms are interchangeable.

Meeting adjourned

Choose wisely. Choose kindness.

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