Ex-postman: Late mail was really just earlyPublished 10:42am Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’ve started a business of removing wolverines from homes.”
“We don’t have any wolverines here.”
“I know. That means I’ll have no competition.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the inventor of the doorbell did not own a small dog.
I can’t prove it, but
I suspect that …
1. Brain freeze from eating ice cream is what causes zombies.
2. Women like men in uniform because their shirts match their pants.
3. When food falls on the floor, a mother germ will not let her young jump on it until five seconds pass.
The news from Hartland
The theme of the new theme park located just outside of town is waiting in line.
Duper Supermarket makes shopping easier by moving the magazines next to the toilet paper.
The Stop That! Chemical Dependency Center erects a sign at its gate reading, “Abandon all dope, ye who enter here.”
We drank the Kool-Aid
My mother sometimes poured Kool-Aid into one of those metal ice cube trays. Then she’d put a recycled Popsicle stick into each cube before putting the tray into our freezer, which was a small compartment at the top of our refrigerator. Once the cubes were frozen, we had a tray of poor man’s Popsicles. Mark Roche of Albert Lea told me that his mother used toothpicks for handles. I remember a fellow kid telling me that his father had made some of the frozen Kool-Aid treats, but could find no toothpicks. He used wooden kitchen matches instead.
Judy Tweeten of Hartland said that she and her husband Arlo took grandchildren on a trip to Canada. A grandson became very homesick. He texted his mother, asking her to come and get him. She refused. “OK,” he responded, “I’ll say I’ve been kidnapped when we go through customs.” Fortunately, he didn’t carry through with the threat.
Al Quade of Albert Lea told me that he enjoys listening to the radio. He has five stations that he likes to listen to during the day. He owns five radios. He has each radio tuned to a different station. All he has to do is to turn on the radio that is set to the station he wants to listen to.
Andy Dyrdal of Albert Lea is a retired postman. He said that if the mail was ever a bit late, he told anyone who complained that it was tomorrow’s mail. He added that he has a number of friends who have aches and pains associated with injuries they suffered while participating in sports. Andy said he is thankful that he wasn’t good enough to play.
Neil Burtness of Brownsdale told me that he often took his father-in-law, Vernon Moe of New Richland, to clinic appointments. Afterwards, they stopped for treats at a McDonald’s drive-through lane — an ice cream cone each. Neil said they could tell if they’d gotten their money’s worth of ice cream if they passed a certain road on their drive home before the cones disappeared. If they drove past that road and there was ice cream still to be eaten, they had made a wise purchase.
Thrilling days of yesteryear
I ran the bicycle downhill from the house to the end of the drive.
I was young, much younger than the bicycle. The bike had a truck steering wheel instead of handlebars. The bike was too big for me. I could hit only one pedal at a time. The slant of the drive made acceleration easy, but there was a problem stopping. Being unable to apply both feet at once to the pedals forced me to employ a method of stopping that required colliding with something. More than once, that something was a barbed wire fence. This produced anguished cries, but I was steadfast. I pushed that bicycle up to the high point of the drive. Down we sped until the bike hit the barbed wire again. It was a vicious cycle.
Dave Ausen of Alden wonders if civet cats survive. The abundance of small farms in the early 1900s facilitated an expanding population of civet cats (eastern spotted skunks). They denned under buildings and fed on stored crops, rodents, eggs, and chickens. Only six civet cats have been documented in the last 20 years in Minnesota and it’s an endangered species in Iowa. Farm consolidations, modern agricultural practices, and pesticide use have contributed to the decline.
“How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it.” — George Elliston