Archived Story

Top stories? They can’t top this crop of oddities

Published 10:39am Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What is going on with those newspaper editors, who pick the top stories of the year?

It’s all a bunch of hooey as far as I’m concerned.

Floods, tornadoes, recounts, new governor, fresh faces at city hall, new jail, and skin heads at the county courthouse. Who cares?

What were they smoking, when they came up with those “top stories?”

That’s not the real world. That’s not what people are still talking about at the coffee shop.

Consider this list of the top stories of 2010:

There’s a LeRoy church congregation – I’m not naming names – which is still recovering from hearing the stewardship committee’s suggestion for a new fund drive slogan: I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.

Leave it to Taopi to lead the way toward fiscally responsible city government. They are considering a new way to raise revenue to fund city services there. Soon the city council will be asked to adopt a leaf ordinance in Taopi. All residents will be asked to count the leaves, which fall from trees. Those who are responsible for the most leaves will have to pay a surcharge. In the event of a leaf emergency, alternate parking on city streets will be enforced. Those who violate the ordinance will have their vehicles towed and pay a fine.

Combines double-parked on city streets during harvest will be exempt.

Way to go Taopi!

Dispatchers received an odd call from a man at Adams — Isn’t it always Adams? The other night:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?

Caller:  Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.  I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller:  I’m outside the Legion Club in Adams.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller:  No. I was circumcised.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller:  Running from the police.

The stress of the job was evident in a police officer’s voice over the scanner the other night when he stopped a Grand Meadow woman driver.

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?” the officer was overheard to say, “You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

A rural Lyle family was the topic of conversation after church Sunday.

As the story goes, four brothers who left home for college became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

For Christmas, three of them gave their mother a new 18-room mansion, a new luxury car and had a theater built in her honor at Branson, Missouri.

The fourth son gave his mother a truly unique gift.

The boys’ mother loved reading the Bible, but she can’t read anymore because she can’t see well.

The son met a preacher who told him about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him.

He had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but he said it was worth it.

All his mother had to do was to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.

After the Christmas holiday, the boys’ mother sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, that could hold 200 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. Love, Mama”

And that’s all the unreal news that fits today.

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